Sincerely, Sarah

Sometimes I fear

that I’m doing this whole “Justice and Peace Studies” thing subconsciously because of my own insecurities.

I have this inherent need to be loved by everyone, so if I can make everyone love each other, my problem is solved… Or maybe it’s not even that. I don’t mind if I’m not loved by everyone so long as I’m not hated by anyone. So I guess I’m trying to rid the world of all hatred.

But is a lack of hatred any better than an absence of love? Why do I find this more acceptable?

It’s a terribly selfish and backwards justification for my seemingly selfless path in life but sometimes I fear that’s my reason behind doing it. Whenever I’m asked what my “drive” is, I usually come up with some clever story about an inspirational teacher from high school, an experience I’ve had (in which I tend let my imagination run absolutely wild, be it based on reality or not), a chance epiphany sent from above, etc.

And maybe that’s why I have such a hard time finding a focus for my studies. Most of the students in my program are really passionate about a particular field (e.g. the environment, women’s rights, poverty, development, genocide, human rights, etc.) but here I am, halfway through my junior year, and I still can’t seem to find that one thing that drives me. I’m constantly jumping from one issue to another. At one point, I was really passionate about ending the drug wars and legalizing Marijuana in order to end the human rights violations it causes. This week, I’m apparently a huge feminist. Next week, who knows? Maybe I’ll be devoting my life to building wells for African villages. So continues my never-ending quest to find myself…

But I guess I shouldn’t be too negative because whatever my motivation is, at least I’m doing it…right?